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The Vampire Diaries: The Return: Nightfall

I know everyone's sick of me bitching about this book, but I wanted to make it a potential book for defacement.

It's the 5th book in The Vampire Diaries series. The first three books are actually pretty decent for YA fiction written in the 90's. The fourth book is pure fanservice, as she brought a main character back from the dead. And then we have this awesome book.

Honestly, it deserves defacement just for having two colons in its title. And then there's the retarded cover which...don't even get me started on that red/white glow around the title, argh.

But here are the reasons I believe we should totally rip into this book:

1)

Elena, the heroine, HAS WINGS. Not just one set, several sets. She's come back from the dead as a kind of ANGEL, you see, and she can fly with them and heal people with them and and and.

2)

Random kitsune! This series has never had a Japanese bent before, but now the big bad is a pair of twin kitsune that take over the woods and introduce some kind of parasitical bug-plant-hentai thing that take over little girls and make them pierce themselves and suggestively proposition any man in proximity.

3)

Random use of the Japanese language, which I'm sure jai will appreciate the most. Somebody obviously got hold of a Japanese-English dictionary.

4)

Awesome passages, such as, "She was sitting in lotus position in front of the room's only open window, with the fresh wind making her white nightgown billow. Her hair was true gold again, not the perilous white-gold it had become when Stefan had unintentionally turned [her] into a vampire. She looked exactly the way Bonnie remember her.

Except that she was floating three feet off the floor.

Stefan saw them all gawking.

'It's just something she does,' he said almost apologetically. 'She woke up the day after our fight with Klaus and started floating. I think gravity hasn't quite got a hold on her yet.'"

There are SO MANY THINGS wrong there, not the least of which was the omission of the word "her" in the second sentence.

5)

The phenomenal amounts of douchebaggery, omg. Endearments like "little lovely love" and weeping and blah, blah, blah.

My only concern is that it is the 5th book in a series and while we could probably do some decent mocking of The Return, I don't think the first three are bad enough to warrant it. So those who haven't read the series might not quite comprehend the character murder L. J. Smith is committing with Elena and Damon.

Then again...this book might be bad enough that it doesn't matter if you've read any of the others.

So. If you're in for it, comment, and when I'm ready to send, I'll send to the first person, then they'll send to the next and so on. :)

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
jai
Jul. 15th, 2009 11:28 am (UTC)
Eh, I can just spoil the plots of the first few by reading their summaries online. I feel like I really NEED to rip apart anything with gratuitous use of Japanese language and mythology. I am up for it whenever, as I could use a break from attempting to be able to stomach much of Breaking Dawn long enough to deface it. Seriously, if you thought Twatlight was hard, this one is damn near impossible.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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